How to give feedback (even to your boss)

Whether it’s positive or critical, to your peer or to your boss, here are the essentials to constructive, quality feedback.

by Maya Afilalo

Giving feedback is tough. Especially for women, who are often taught to avoid conflict and make others feel comfortable. And the idea of giving feedback to a boss? Maybe that feels impossible.

But ultimately, the ability to give feedback is a valuable career skill.

With all the anxiety around it, it’s worth knowing that most people are open to receiving feedback. A survey of individuals at over a thousand organizations around the world found that 8 in 10 appreciate feedback, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative.

Finally, when it comes to giving your boss feedback, there are steps you can take to approach the conversation with grace and poise.

Here’s how to give feedback and feel natural and confident while you do it.

Focus on the positive

There’s a myth that the best feedback is critical. In fact, it’s often more helpful to focus on others’ strengths. Not only does it give your colleague a boost, it also helps you build stronger workplace relationships. And yet, a Gallup survey found that in a given week, only 3 in 10 individuals receive recognition for good work. 

“Focusing people on their shortcomings doesn’t enable learning,” write Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall, co-authors of Nine Lies About Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World. “We learn most when someone else pays attention to what’s working within us.”

When you highlight others’ successes, they gain insight into what they’re doing well and can build on it. Be specific: what did they do, and what impact did it have? For example, instead of, “You’re a great presenter,” go for, “The examples you weaved into your presentation worked for me, because they brought abstract concepts to life.”

Keep critical feedback specific, and express it as point of view rather than fact

When giving critical feedback, the same concepts apply—focus on actions, not generalizations. To soften any defensiveness, try to frame things in terms of your reactions.

For example, instead of, “I think you need to work on your communication skills,” you can say, “I didn’t follow your update. Here’s exactly where you started to lose me.”

“Those are your reactions—they are your truth—and when you relay them in specific detail, you aren’t judging or rating or fixing,” say Buckingham and Goodall. “And precisely because it isn’t a judgment or a rating it is at once more humble and more powerful.”

How to give upward feedback

What if you need to say something to your boss? This can be a doozy. But, it’s not uncommon.

According to research, the higher someone climbs in an organization, the more likely they are to lack self-awareness. One study found that nearly 9 in 10 leaders lack self-awareness in at least one area.

“Quite often, people are afraid to speak truth to power,” says psychologist and self-awareness expert Dr. Tasha Eurich.

Maybe your boss interrupts you, doesn’t tell you important updates, or micromanages you. Or perhaps you’ve noticed a blindspot in their performance, like a tendency to be inflexible or stick with outdated processes. 

Whatever the case, here’s how to approach the conversation.

First—decide if it’s worth it. You don’t want to risk the relationship or your job. If you’re not sure how your boss will respond, consider asking a peer if they can provide insight.

“If you find that reaching out directly is not the best method, think about other feedback channels, like anonymized employee surveys,” says Dr. Tijs Besieux, an expert in behavioral change.

If you think they’ll be receptive, set aside time to talk, preferably soon after the behavior’s occurrence. If it feels right, schedule some time in their calendar.

Begin the conversation by asking if they’re open to feedback. For example, “As we work with our new client, would it be helpful if I offer you some feedback?” 

If you’re bringing up an issue in your relationship, Dr. Besieux recommends opening with something like this: “Thank you so much for taking the time to talk. There’s been something on my mind. I wanted to let you know, because it’s important for me to maintain a strong relationship with you. Would that be okay with you?”

Next, offer your feedback. The same principles apply from before—focus on specific behaviors, frame things in terms of perceptions, and explain the impact of their behavior.

For example: “In the last project meeting, I noticed the client tried to speak a few times. It seemed to me, and I may be wrong, that you cut them off. To me, the client looked frustrated.”

Or: “When Pat mentioned she’s leaving the firm, I was taken by surprise. I felt embarrassed, because she seemed to think I already knew. I thought you would tell me news like this.”

Once you’ve said your piece, avoid the temptation to keep talking or re-iterate your point. Instead, pause to let them reflect and respond.

“Waiting even a few seconds may feel like an eternity, but be patient,” says Dr. Besieux. “The last thing you want to do is take the stage when it’s their turn to talk.”

Hopefully, your boss responds positively, and you move forward productively. A great way to end the conversation is with gratitude. Something like: “I really appreciate your taking the time to listen. It makes me feel proud to be part of this team.”

Of course, there’s a chance your boss gets angry or defensive.

One thing you can do is apologize for their feelings (not for bringing up the issue), and clarify your intent. For example, “I’m sorry that you’re upset. My intention is for us to work better together, not to hurt you.” You can also end the meeting, and suggest talking about it another time. This allows for a cooling off period, and your boss may change their behavior anyway.

Bottom line:

Giving feedback is a valuable career skill, and one that can seem more daunting than it is. Focus your feedback on specific behaviors, and express it as a point of view. Before giving a boss feedback, make sure it’s worth it and ask whether they’re open to hearing it. Then apply the same principles as before, give them a chance to respond, and end the conversation with gratitude.