How to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty

by Maya Afilalo

When someone asks us to do something, we often feel obligated to say ‘yes’.

It can feel easier in the moment, especially to avoid a perceived conflict or disappointment. Early in your career, you might feel you need to accept every project that comes your way. And refusing a boss can feel daunting or even impossible.

Saying ‘no’ is a skill, and a valuable one. For starters, it protects your wellbeing. A Gallup study found that two-thirds of full-time employees experience burnout at least some of the time, in large part due to stress. There’s also your reputation to think about—you don’t want to take on too much and not follow through on your word, or deliver low quality work. And saying ‘no’ can be a great way to set boundaries.

Here are the keys to an effective, graceful ‘no’.

Pause before you decide

If you feel put on the spot, ask for time to think it over. It can be as simple as, “Thanks for thinking of me. Can I let you know by Monday?”

This also gives you a chance to reflect on whether the request might actually be worth your while. Learn more about what’s being asked. What specifically does the person need, and by when? Who else needs to be involved? The bigger the request, the more information you should gather.

If it seems feasible, aligns with your goals, or could advance your career, you might end up accepting! No matter what, make sure to let the person know.

Remind yourself why

If you’re nervous, boost your confidence by remembering the reasons behind your ‘no’.

For example, in the long run, it’s often best for both you and the asker. This is especially helpful if you’re feeling guilty.

“Saying no now is far easier than explaining later why you dropped the ball,” says Harvard Business Review editor Amy Gallo.

Here’s another reason, which might surprise you: ‘no’ can benefit your career.

“We live in a ‘yes’ culture, where it’s expected that the person who is going to get ahead is the go-getter who says yes to everything that comes their way,” says career counselor Dara Blaine. But, “It’s when people learn to say no that I’ve really seen their careers take off.”

That’s because saying ‘no’ will allow you to say ‘yes’ to something more important to you. It will make your commitments more intentional, and free you from resentment. Keep this in mind if you’re worried about missing out.

Express appreciation and give a reason

Conveying gratitude can make it easier to turn someone down. For example, “I’m honored you thought of me for this” or “I really appreciate the invitation.”

People are also more likely not to question you if you give a truthful reason. If you want, offer a short explanation like “I don’t have the skills to do this project well” or “I’m already committed to a full load of other responsibilities.” Another good one: “Since this is important to you, it’s probably best to give it to someone who has more time for it.”

And if the request sounded interesting, you can say something like “I’d love to do this for you in the future, or help out later in another way.”

In some cases, you might offer a “lifeline.” For example, you could help brainstorm other people to ask, or be a sounding board for ideas. Just make sure not to get overly involved.

Be clear and firm

Once you’ve decided to refuse, be clear that it’s exactly what you’re doing. Avoid phrases like “I don’t know if I’ll be able to” or “I’m not sure I can.” And don’t feel the need to apologize.

“If you’re overly apologetic or wishy-washy, you risk giving your colleague false hope that she can change your mind,” says Gallo.

‘No’ can also help set boundaries, especially if you’re constantly asked to do office “housework" (things like taking notes, or helping with computer issues). For example: “That’s not my area of expertise; I would ask so-and-so” or “I think our intern, Mark, can pull these reports. I’ll forward the request to him.”

Another great way to say ‘no’ to office housework is simply not to volunteer. 

“Say nothing. Sit on your hands,” says time management coach Elizabeth Grace Saunders. “Not offering to help is one of the best ways to say no.”

This doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you’re taking care of yourself, and prioritizing existing commitments.

When you can’t say no

When your boss asks for something, it can feel like there’s no choice. But if you’re already maxed out, there are ways to tactfully approach the situation.

“Sometimes you’ll have to educate your manager on what saying yes would mean,” says Gallo. For example, another project may need to be delayed, or outside help brought in.

“It helps to sit down with your manager to go over your priorities and talk about how this new request fits in,” she adds. “Ideally, your boss will be able to help you make the necessary trade-offs.”

And some requests can be negotiated. For example, “I agree it would be great to finish this by the end of the month. But with the other work on my plate, that deadline won’t be possible. I suggest XYZ new deadline. Does that sound reasonable?” If a more senior employee is making the ask, consider involving your boss in the conversation.

Bottom line

Mastering the art of refusal is essential for your wellbeing and success. Pause before deciding whether to accept a request. Remember the benefits of saying ‘no’, and express appreciation to the asker. Be clear—no wishy-washiness or apologies. Even when your boss makes a request, you don’t have to automatically accept.

And remember: every ‘no’ makes room in your life for a better ‘yes’.