Why we crave validation in the workplace (& how to get it from ourselves instead)

by Ray Bass

Think back to your first job—your first foray into the professional world. You were probably excited, nervous, and most of all, eager to please. You may have spent the first few months (or even the first year) feeling that way, constantly looking for signs that you were doing well, and panicking if you thought you weren’t. Have you ever thought about why that is—why we crave validation in the workplace? 

Believe it or not, it has to do with our past. We exist in a culture that relies heavily on external validation. You may recognize this if you think back to your adolescence.

When we’re young, external validation shapes our behavior. Good performance earns us praise or a reward, while bad behavior may get us in trouble. Did you play sports when you were younger? Did you attend school and receive grades on tests and assignments? These are very real examples of the tangible feedback loop that exists during childhood. We get graded, win first place, achieve rankings, class numbers, etc. We grow up defining ourselves by these standards of achievement, and once we get into the workplace, we expect the same sort of system. But, as we come to learn, that isn’t exactly how adult life works.

Because we don’t receive tangible measures of our performance (you may get a performance review at the end of the quarter, but most of the time, you’re just getting verbal feedback), it can be easy to equate our work product and colleagues’ perception of us with our self-worth. We begin to rely on positive reinforcement and external validation to feel accomplished and worthy, and in the process, we slowly sacrifice our confidence and sow seeds of doubt in our minds.

In reality, constantly seeking and expecting external validation in the workplace is unrealistic. The professional world, especially corporate America, is notorious for being a terse and efficient place. People are stressed out and busy, pretty much all the time, and they don’t always have patience or excess praise to spare. If external validation is the only thing that can make you feel good about yourself and the work you’re producing, you’re going to have a miserable worklife. 

Not to mention, seeking external validation at work doesn’t actually serve you in terms of your job. If you’re people-pleasing at work, because you think that will earn you praise, you’re only thinking of others and not thinking about how you can advance yourself and your career.

So if you’re reading this and thinking “wow, this resonates with me,” we have some advice on how you can stop relying on other people’s praise to make you believe in your competence and start getting validation from yourself.  

Step 1: Recognize that you have this behavior. 

Seeking external validation is a learned behavior—it’s so deeply embedded in our psyche that we often don’t realize we’re doing it. Take a few moments, whether it’s right now or the next time you’re at work, to identify areas where you’re seeking validation from someone or something else. Once you recognize how often you’re doing it, you can work towards breaking this cycle.

Step 2: Be clearer with communication. 

How many times in your life have you told someone about your accomplishment and their reaction didn’t measure up to your expectations? It happens to us all, a lot. We have to stop thinking that everyone we know is a mind reader—that they know exactly what we want to hear. Rather than take a chance on someone’s reaction (someone who could have a million other issues going on in their life and whose mind is elsewhere), try voicing how you feel the first time around. If you’re proud of something, say that you’re proud of yourself. Not only are you reinforcing positive thought patterns in your brain, but you’re giving people a clear indication of what you want them to say. 

Step 3: Take a moment to absorb your accomplishments. 

When we do something right, it’s exciting and we want to tell people. But as I alluded to above, nothing takes the wind out of your sails quite like getting a lackluster response from someone when you wanted validation. So the next time you achieve something, take a beat. You don’t have to tell someone the second something happens. Instead, absorb what happened, accept it with gratitude, and feel good about yourself. You’ll be surprised how freeing it is. 

Step 4: Keep track of your progress or accomplishments, and record notes of praise. 

Workplace environments can be fast-paced and tense—and we tend to focus on and remember the criticism we get more than the praise. At each of my jobs, I’ve had a Word document where I noted my accomplishments and kept track of positive feedback I received. I copy-pasted emails from my boss complimenting my work, and made notes of major projects I completed and the impact that they had. Not only was this a valuable resource to look back on when I needed reassurance that I was doing well at work, but when it came time for promotions and raises, I had all the proof I needed to advocate for myself. I highly recommend every woman keep this sort of list—it will help boost your confidence and further your career. 

Bottom line: 

External validation is like a pat on the back—it’s nice to receive, but it’s never something we should expect or become dependent on. Self-validation should carry more weight, and we should be proud of ourselves for succeeding, period.