Tightrope bias: women have to juggle being likeable & being competent
by Stephanie Eckelkamp
Hey, ladies: Raise your hands if you’ve been called bossy or pushy at work, when you just thought you were doing your job. Probably a good chunk of you, right? Or how about this—you’ve kept your thoughts to yourself or deferred to your male colleagues to seem more agreeable or likeable. Again, if we could see you, we’d imagine a sea of nodding heads.
Of course, neither is ideal. In the first scenario, you may be demonstrating your competence by passionately expressing your ideas, but at the expense of being likeable. In the second scenario, you’re less likely to rock the boat, but you’re also less likely to be taken seriously.
Basically: In many workplaces, women often have to take on more “masculine” qualities to get ahead (think: ambitious, assertive, even a bit competitive), but they’re still expected to maintain their “feminine” qualities of being caring, modest, helpful, and nice—while men aren’t.
This can make you feel like you’re balancing on uneven terrain, frequently making minor adjustments to your behavior as you figure out what’s “suitable” for a career-oriented woman.
Enter: Tightrope Bias
What we just described is a common form of bias that women experience at work. It’s been dubbed “tightrope bias” by experts in the field, and it makes getting ahead tricky, since it limits the number of “acceptable behaviors” you can engage in without ruffling feathers.
Essentially, “women have to navigate a very tight space [walk a tightrope, if you will] between being seen as too masculine, and therefore respected but not liked, or too feminine, and therefore liked but not respected,” according to Joan Williams, J.D., distinguished professor at the University of California Hastings College of Law and co-author of What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know.
Consider some of the factors that contribute to tightrope bias: Research shows women receive more negative comments about their personality than men on performance reviews. And when men express anger at work, they’re viewed as assertive and as having higher status, while women are viewed as having lower status. Similarly, when men express anger, it’s often attributed to external circumstances beyond their control, but for women, it’s attributed to internal character flaws (e.g. "she’s a bitch,” “she’s out of control,” “she’s way too emotional for the job,” “she’s just an angry black woman,” etc).
This, of course, is something we see in the political world, too—consider how Hillary Clinton is often dubbed “cold” or “unemotional,” while on the flipside people have endlessly called women “too emotional” to hold an office as important as the presidency. Almost like you can’t win, right?
The pains of tightrope bias aren’t just isolated to a handful of women either. After interviewing dozens of professional women, Williams and her colleagues found that about 96% had experienced the pressure of balancing being liked and being career-oriented.
All of the above is frustrating, and made even more frustrating as studies suggest you need to be both liked and respected to get ahead at work. Gah!
Is there any way to make traversing the tightrope easier?
Simply knowing tightrope bias exists is the first crucial step in understanding, no, you’re not crazy! After all, seeing men get away with (or be rewarded for) certain behavior that you’re chastised for can make anyone feel a bit like they’re living in the twilight zone.
So, if this sounds like you, and you’re struggling to keep everyone (including your own ambitions) satisfied, take a deep breath. The good news is that Williams has come up with a few great strategies called “bias interrupters” that can help you navigate these unequal expectations—all without compromising your goals, character, or integrity.
First step? Consider the type of feedback you’ve gotten in the past—be it official feedback in the form of performance reviews, or unofficial feedback from colleagues. This might help you figure out what type of behaviors you want to start showing off more. (Williams worked with Lean In to develop a Tightrope Bias discussion guide that you can use at your own workplace.)
According to Williams, if you find that you’re well liked but not necessarily respected or taken seriously at work, try these:
Use strategic body language. Sometimes women fall into more submissive postures such as crossing arms, standing off balance, and generally taking up less space. But studies have shown that expansive postures such as simply standing upright with your hands by your side—or, if you’re at a conference table, sitting upright while leaning slightly forward—can help you appear more confident and assertive.
Don’t shortchange yourself when speaking. Starting statements with weak precursors like “I might be wrong but” or “just an idea but,” or ending statements as if they’re questions rather than statements, could make you seem less knowledgeable. Try simply sharing your idea with confidence and seeing what happens.
If you demand respect, but you’re not necessarily well liked, try this:
Practice “gender judo.” If you often get feedback that you’re abrasive or bossy, Williams says that being more strategic about when you exhibit masculine or feminine attributes can work to your advantage. In interviews with Williams, some female executives said they tried to embrace warm, friendly behaviors most of the time they interacted with coworkers, so that they’d be freed up to be tough when necessary.
Display disappointment and anger, but do it carefully. Suppressing anger when you have a legitimate reason to be angry is never a good idea. But your coworkers may be quick to pigeon-hole you into the “angry, emotional woman” category. So, using it sparingly and communicating exactly why you’re upset (e.g. because someone’s actions jeopardized the success of a project) can be to your benefit and give your anger or other emotions some much needed context.
Of course, none of this will guarantee anyone will like or respect you, or that you’ll get ahead—and at the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with any changes you’re making. So, if reasonable behavioral adjustments like the ones above don’t seem to be helping alleviate your tightrope bias-induced stress or other work struggles, it might just be the wrong workplace!