So, your personal life is kind of a trash fire. Should you tell your boss?

How to keep it together at work when you feel like your life is falling apart.

by Nina Ace

In a perfect world, you’d saunter to your desk each morning (or, in the time of Covid-19, your kitchen table) with only one thing on your mind for the next eight hours: work. But if 2020 taught us anything, it’s that this world isn’t perfect. And the expectation to maintain total separation between work and life is, frankly, not realistic. 

“We bring ourselves to work everyday, so as much as we would like to be able to compartmentalize the challenging parts of our lives, we’re only human, and often, this just won’t be possible,” says Donna Sweidan, MCC, LMHC, CELDC, Global Career & Certified Executive Leadership Development Coach.

You know what else isn’t realistic? Predicting a huge, life-altering trash fire erupting in your personal life. A major breakup, an illness, family issues, deaths—these are all major life events that can absolutely affect your work. But at what point do you need to tell your boss what’s going on? 

What’s the Case For Letting Your Boss In?

A big reason to alert your boss of major personal challenges is to manage their expectations—aka, protect your job. If you’ve been consistently crushing it at your job for a while now, your boss may not notice or question a few temporary dips in efficiency. But a sustained impact on your performance could put your job at risk—which, in the midst of a personal crisis, is the last thing you need.  

“At the risk of sabotaging your performance at work, you are better off sharing with your boss that you are experiencing personal issues that may affect your work, and you want to discuss how best you’re going to manage it,” Sweidan says. 

Here’s what to consider before you have the chat:

Consider Your Unique Situation

Not all employers are created equal. Before you approach your boss, think about your own unique workplace culture—is work-life balance a priority across the company? Are personal conversations frowned upon?  Also, think about the current relationship with your manager. Keeping these two components in mind will force you to think critically about your situation and choose an approach that is both appropriate and effective. Aka, don’t wing it.

Know What You Need Before You Talk

If you have a work-related problem, you already know it’s a good look to come to your boss with a solution in your back pocket. According to Shelley Zalis, CEO of The Female Quotient, the same idea applies here. 

“If you’re coming to them with an issue, be prepared to offer up a few ideas that will help you and your organization,” she tells Bustle. “If you need to pare down your tasks in the short term, list the priorities you will continue to handle, and which tasks might be taken off your plate in order for you to regroup and be the best employee you can be.”

Resist the Urge to Overshare

You’re about to do a very delicate dance with vulnerability and discretion. To keep things profesh and maintain your reputation, don’t turn this chat into a therapy session.

“The more serious the personal issue, the more acceptable it is to share more information,” explains Sweidan. 

Surely in some situations, sharing certain facts can actually be helpful. But when in doubt, keep reminding yourself that less is more. “Take the opportunity to let your boss know that you’re dealing with something challenging that requires your attention, and you’ll need time to attend to it.” she adds. “You don’t need to share any additional information, unless you feel comfortable or it is something significant.”

How much or little can also be informed by what you know about your boss. If you regularly swap stories from the weekend, they’re likely more inclined to respond and empathize with details. If you have almost no relationship, keep the conversation professional and to the point.

Consider Asking for Leave

In the midst of a global pandemic, remote work and flexible work schedules are more accepted than ever. But even before Covid-19, Sweidan noticed companies were responding to a growing wish for more flexibility and better paid leave packages.

“If you know that your boss is inclined to embrace this philosophy, take advantage of it as best you can, so you can address your personal issues head on, and be ready to come back to work when you’re in a stronger emotional place,” she suggests.

If you’re dealing with an illness (yourself or your family), you may also be eligible for paid leave under programs like Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). A good manager will make you aware of all your options—including employee assistance programs specifically for mental health—and help you get the most out of your allotted time.

No matter what’s going on at work, a personal crisis calls for more self-care than ever. The more you take care of yourself during trying times, the quicker you’ll bounce back and resume your typical rockstar work ethic.