The tug of war: when bias fuels conflict among women

by Maya Afilalo

Any of the following sound familiar?

• Your boss, a woman, is harder on you than your male counterparts
  
  

• Another woman has called you “too assertive” or “bossy”
  
  

• You feel other women judge your work-life decisions
  
  

• Women in your workplace are wary of each other

If so, you’re not alone. In a survey of a thousand women, 95% believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers. Female bullies target other women 80% of the time, while male bullies don’t discriminate by gender. The phenomenon intersects with race: 56% of Black women in STEM feel that women support each other at work, compared to 77% of white women.

There’s often a sense that women should have each other’s backs at work. So why is the opposite sometimes true? 

It’s called tug of war bias

Tug of war bias happens when other kinds of gender bias fuel conflict among women.

“The simplest example is when women receive the message that there’s room for only one woman at the top,” says Joan Williams, J.D., distinguished professor at the University of California Hastings College of Law and co-author of What Works for Women at Work. “It’s entirely predictable that women will end up being very competitive for that one spot.”

Another example is women who judge each other for being “unlikeable”, because they’re either “aggressive” or “weak”—the tightrope bias. And when female managers apply harsher standards to women because “that’s what it takes to succeed here”, they perpetuate the prove-it-again bias.  

Finally, there’s the dreaded “Queen Bee”: the boss who takes other women down. If you saw Mean Girls, you know what I’m talking about.

“It is a trend thick with irony,” writes research psychologist Dr. Peggy Drexler. “The very women who have complained for decades about unequal treatment now perpetuate many of the same problems by turning on their own.”

The common denominator

Why do some women tear down, rather than lift up? Or at least, leave others alone?

The issue isn’t some kind of inherent meanness in women. Rather, it’s caused by existing bias in the workplace.

In organizations with a lot of gender bias, there’s a sense that in order to get ahead, you need to put other women down. And research finds that women who experienced discrimination early in their careers are more likely to self-protect by distancing themselves from other women—giving rise to the Queen Bee.

“If there is a ‘Queen Bee’ in the environment, more often than not, it’s not evidence of a personality problem,” says Williams. “Rather, it’s a symptom of gender bias in the environment.”

How to deal with it

If you can, Williams recommends addressing tension directly. Especially with a Queen Bee.

For example: “I may be wrong, but it’s my perception that we got off on the wrong foot. I always want to be respectful of you, and I want to have a good relationship. If I have done something to offend you, believe me it was inadvertent, and I would love to hear about it now.”

Williams also emphasizes the importance of respecting one another’s experiences. For older women, that means remembering you worked hard so things would be different for the next generation. For younger women, it’s recognizing that older women are still navigating bias. They might not be helping you because they simply don’t have the power.

Another suggestion is to advocate for other women. Of course, women shouldn’t have to spend all their time supporting each other—after all, the same isn’t expected among men. But it can be fulfilling, and accomplished with low risk. For example, if someone takes credit for a woman’s idea, you might say, “Yes! That’s a great expansion on Paula’s idea. Paula, do you have additional thoughts?” This helps change the culture that created the tug of war.

If you’re up for it, you might organize an endeavor that gets women to work together. Williams cautions that it shouldn’t be related to gender issues, but something neutral like a volunteer day or office event. This can diffuse toxic competitiveness and help cultivate relationships.

Finally, Williams’ cardinal rule: don’t judge.

“There’s no ‘right’ way to be a woman,” she says. “Women are under intense pressure to judge each other harshly. Take a step back and don’t participate in that.”

Bottom line

Ironically, sexist workplaces are where women are most likely to hurt each other. Remember that it’s likely a result of circumstances, not personality. To ease tension: address it directly, respect one another’s experiences, advocate and work together, and try not to judge. Finally, remember that there are plenty of women who do lift each other up. And when that happens, it is a wonderful thing.