Why you should stop apologizing at work
by Ray Bass
In general, women are known to apologize more than men—and not because they have more to be sorry for. Studies have shown that women apologize more because they have a lower threshold of what constitutes offensive behavior. In other words, men are less likely to think their behavior is offensive, so they’re less likely to apologize for that behavior. They don’t believe they’re in the wrong, so why apologize? Women, on the other hand, are more likely to think their actions are improper, so they apologize a lot (and oftentimes, too much).
Not to mention, it’s easy to get into the habit of saying sorry, and say it without realizing. (You may know this from your own experience.) “Sorry, do you have a pen I can borrow?” “Sorry, do you have a second to talk?” We all know we don’t have to prompt every sentence with “sorry,” but when you get used to doing it, it can become an automatic response.
Sure, some apologies are necessary (when you’ve done something wrong, said something hurtful, etc.), but other apologies are frivolous and can undercut your credibility and standing. So if you’re a woman in the workplace, and you feel like you’re constantly apologizing, here’s why you should lay off the sorrys, and what actions to stop apologizing for.
Why you should stop apologizing at work
Apologies, even well-intentioned ones, can change people’s perception of you if they’re frequently given when they’re not needed. As Forbes notes, by continually saying sorry at work, you’re essentially stating and reinforcing that you’ve done something wrong. In fact, science shows that saying “sorry” when you aren’t at fault makes others think less of you. “Sorry for not immediately answering your Slack message.” “Sorry for going to the bathroom during that meeting.” When you apologize for actions that are normal and not offensive, you are basically telling someone that what you did was wrong, abnormal, and worthy of an apology. Not only does it make others think you’re misbehaving and messing up all the time, but it can also come off as insecure. Given how important confidence and self-promotion is in the workplace, you do not want your colleagues’ image of you to be tainted by unnecessary apologies.
Other people aside, apologizing all the time isn’t going to make you feel very good about yourself. It can undermine your self-confidence, leave you feeling guilty, and sabotage your ability to do your job well. According to Vijayeta Sinh, Ph.D., a psychologist and career expert in New York City, unnecessary apologies can make you feel (and appear) submissive and weak instead of confident and strong. “Although it is important to apologize and take responsibility for things that you may have inadvertently screwed up, some people commonly use the word sorry and insert it into almost every sentence. Stop apologizing when something is not your fault, you feel insecure or uncomfortable and aren’t sure what else to say, or you are worried about not being liked by others,” says Sinh.
Things you should stop apologizing for
The modern workplace, as advanced as it is, can sometimes be a shame-inducing environment. Some companies have fostered cultures that are straight up toxic—where you’re expected to apologize for normal actions, work to exhaustion, and prioritize work before everything else in your life. You can read more about how to identify and deal with a toxic workplace here, but in the meantime, here are a few actions you should feel comfortable not apologizing for.
1. Taking time to do things that are important to you.
At the end of the day, your job is a job. You’re allowed to have a life outside of work and not apologize for it. You should never apologize for using your vacation days or spending time with family around the holidays, for example. Studies have actually shown that employees who find joy in non-professional activities see benefits in their careers—so doing what you love and tending to your mental health can actually help you show up as your best self at work. It’s a win-win for you and your company.
2. Asking for help, asking questions, or asking for more time to work on something.
When you feel like you’re inconveniencing a co-worker or higher up, it can be tempting to start your request with “sorry.” That’s an urge we should all try to resist. No one has all of the answers, and the only way you can learn is to ask questions. Of course, you want to do your best to find the answer first—a quick Google search only takes a few minutes—but studies have shown that most people are willing and happy to lend a hand when asked for help. Also, asking questions “spurs learning, innovation, and builds trust among team members,” which it’s safe to say every employer wants. In a similar vein, if you need additional time to work on something, be transparent with your manager about it. Sometimes deadlines are flexible, and if they’re not, your boss might enlist extra hands to help you get it done on time.
3. Not responding to emails and messages the instant they come in, and logging off at a reasonable time.
You should not be online all hours of the day. I repeat: You should not be online all hours of the day. Unless you’re a doctor, or someone else who deals with life or death situations, there’s no need for you to be on-call 24/7. (If that’s the case, you may be in a toxic workplace.) Research has found that “work stress can lead to physical illness, as well as psychological distress and mental illness,” so it’s crucial to take care of yourself by drawing boundaries between your personal life and work.
Whatever your hours are—nine to five, ten to six—get into the habit of logging off at the end of the day without stress or guilt. If you do receive a message after hours, it’s important to decide what needs your attention now and what can wait—because as HBR states responding to work messages is psychologically taxing. Depending on your relationship with your boss, it may be worth having a conversation with her/him/them about expectations so you can level-set and feel good adhering to what you agreed upon. If that doesn’t seem doable, you can simply ask for your boss to be transparent about due dates when they send you requests via email. That way, you can know how urgent or nonurgent the request is, and respond appropriately.
Hopefully this article sheds light on all the nonessential apologizing you’ve been doing, and empowers you to start breaking that habit ASAP. Saying sorry for real reasons is one thing (and the right thing), but apologizing for everything you do and say at work is not.