Why negotiating is stressful — and how you can do it with confidence

by Maya Afilalo

If the idea of negotiating makes you anxious, you’re not alone. According to some research, 1 in 5 women avoid negotiating altogether. When it comes to salary, skipping the negotiation costs women an average of $7,000 in the first year after college, and over a 45-year career, between $650,000 and $1 million.

Even the professionals struggle with it. A study of MBA graduates found that half of men negotiated their job offers, whereas only 1 in 8 women did the same.

“As a young professor, I realized I was taking a passive approach to career advancement, waiting for promotions to come to me rather than asserting myself to create opportunity,” says Dr. Leigh Thompson, distinguished professor at Northwestern University. “That was especially remarkable because I was already a negotiation researcher!”

Why women negotiate less

The reason won’t surprise many women. Numerous studies have found that when women negotiate, it hurts their social standing and can alienate others.

“Women get a nervous feeling about negotiating for higher pay because they are intuiting — correctly — that self-advocating for higher pay would present a socially difficult situation for them — more so than for men,” says Hannah Riley Bowles, senior lecturer at Harvard Kennedy School.

At the same time, It’s an important skill to cultivate. While we mostly associate negotiating with pay and promotions, a negotiation is really any discussion of who gets what. Other common situations include negotiating for work resources, support for your professional development, and work-life balance.

The good news: there are ways to successfully negotiate, while maintaining important relationships and lowering stress.

Get in the right mindset

“Research demonstrates that people experiencing positive affect [mood] show patterns of thought that are more flexible, unusual, integrative, and open,” say Dr. Suzanne de Janasz and Dr. Beth Cabrera of George Mason University.

Of course, the prospect of a negotiation often makes us feel the opposite of happy. To get in the right mindset, think of a joyful memory, someone who makes you smile, or an accomplishment you’re proud of.

Remember, too, that a negotiation doesn’t have to feel like a battle. In fact, the best ones are actually collaborative, win-win interactions. Consider, average-skilled negotiators spend only 10% of prep time looking for areas of collaboration, while expert negotiators spend four times that much seeking ways to collaborate. 

Reframe the negotiation

It’s not fair, but there is a real concern that negotiating will lead to being perceived as bossy or aggressive. 

“But here’s a twist,” says Bowles. “We love it when women negotiate assertively for others.”

Research finds that when their role is to advocate for others, rather than themselves, women are able to negotiate better deals without hurting their reputation. The trick is to frame your negotiation as one in which a group of people benefits—in other words, replace “I” with “We.” 

“For example, instead of saying, ‘Getting an MBA is important for my development as a manager,’ frame your ask as a win-win,” explain de Janasz and Cabrera. “‘With the additional financial and managerial skills I’ll gain in an MBA program, I’ll be able to assist in or lead more complex tasks or projects, enabling you to focus on more strategic and high-level priorities.’”

It’s also important to think creatively—don’t laser focus on a single issue, but consider the whole package of the negotiation, and remember what’s most important to you. What does the other side value more than you do, and vice-versa? For example, if your employer is unwilling to budge on salary, you might ask for other forms of compensation, like relocation assistance, additional paid time off, or a higher performance bonus.

And, say de Janasz and Cabrera, “Ideally, this request is backed up by some data gathering of norms in the industry, the region, or, better still, the company.”

Secure the relationship

In many cases, a successful negotiation is one in which you get what you want and maintain a strong relationship with the other side.

“First, you want to explain to your negotiating counterpart why — in their eyes — it’s legitimate for you to be negotiating (i.e., appropriate or justified under the circumstances),” says Bowles. Next, you want to signal that you care about your relationship with the person.

For example, when Sheryl Sandberg negotiated her position at Facebook, she said, “You’re hiring me to lead your negotiating teams, so this is the only time we’ll be on opposite sides of the table. And I’m going to bring these skills to my job; I know you would be disappointed if I didn’t show you I had these skills.”

If you’re in a more junior position, you might say something like, “I don’t know how typical it is for people at my level to negotiate, but I’m hopeful that you’ll see my skill at negotiating as something important that I can bring to the job.”

Prepare, ask, concede, close

Finally, there are tips anyone can use to negotiate more effectively and confidently.

Master negotiators say that preparation is 80% of a good negotiation. Set some specific goals for the outcome, while leaving room for flexibility. When you make an ask, be sure to back it up with evidence or an explanation. For example, if you’re requesting a standing desk, you might describe some of the health benefits. For a higher salary, you could point to cost of living in the area.

The best way to concede a point is to make the other side feel they’ve earned it. Start small, and signal that it was important. For example, “It’ll require some adjustments on my end, but I can accept that.”

When you feel you’ve arrived at a reasonable deal, don’t be afraid to take it. Ironically, research finds that when someone offers us something that we want, we tend to think less of the offer. We also tend to dwell on what we gave up, rather than what we gained. So try not to assume the worst, and instead, celebrate your success!

Bottom line:

It’s frustrating, but women need to take extra steps to ensure that a negotiation is successful without damaging their reputation. It helps to cultivate a positive mindset beforehand, frame the negotiation as one in which everyone benefits, look for creative solutions, and demonstrate you care about the relationship. Then, skillfully make demands, concede when necessary, and close the deal.